This boyfriend does not sound like good news to me. Nothing is good enough. Make sure that he has an end game in mind and that he is willing to fight for you as you are for him. Now I think to some extent I was partly in therapy to get ready to leave him. What is that one spot where youve always wanted to go but never had a chance yet? You have a conversation, maybe two, maybe several and nothing seems to be wrong. It could be as simple as he just no longer feels like being around you, which means there isnt much motivation for making an effort either. Theres also the fact that you are depressed, at least for now (although congrats on making what sounds like a lot of progress toward improvement). Some guys bitch about paying for dates because of feminism (or whatever). Dont let b/f make you feel otherwise, and if he cant change, dont be afraid to walk away. 1. When I started college, and made other friends, and had a job of my own. Be good to yourself, LW, and if Boyfriend cant be good to you too, well, then I think the Captain is right about this guy being more invested in himself than you. Its still manipulation. This helps us because it is a concrete thing he can do (yay I am helping someone I love) and actually helps me. And its difficult for you to explain this to him, because the Depression Demons are whispering that hes right, so you feel guilty and emotional about it all; so then its Emotional You v Logical Him and things get horrible very quickly. Look, Im sure there are people out there who respond to tough love or whatever bullshit he thinks he is doing, but frankly, Ive never met someone struggling with depression and low self-esteem who did. If it were me five years ago, when my self esteem was non-existent, and I were reading this comment thread, my heart would be sinking to my shoes at the very notion of a breakup, because I dont want to be alone for life and who could ever love me again if I screw this up? Because he loves you and wants to see you shine for your own sake? Re-reading I realized the last couple lines sounded really patronizing and I didnt mean it that way. It would gross me out to have someone trying to act like a parent. It sounds as though its not simply a case of dump him, because that can be hard, especially when youre trying to sustain a healing process. That is some high-level head games. As someone wisely said much upthread, this choice doesnt directly effect me, so it is not my business. Do you want my help with remembering to do X? It sounds like your boyfriend has a dysfunctional relationship with your illness. 18 Sure Signs He Will Marry You Someday: Cues to Decode His Intention, What Makes a Man Want to Marry You: These 7 Things. Your workout didnt count according to my standards is a vague inference. And holy crap, the Silent Treatment? If your boyfriend has trouble talking about his feelings, try asking him if there's anything he'd like to talk about (within your relationship or just in general). You should always have an independent life that doesnt revolve around anyone else. 2. Because that kind of encouragement would have felt patronizing to him, were he receiving it. A Kalgoorlie-Boulder woman has been fined for trying to stop police from chasing her boyfriend who had committed an office while out drinking by standing at the entrance of an alleyway he was using to run away. Similarly, with the do more cleaning thing theres plenty of plausible deniability, because living with someone who doesnt pick up after themselves sucks. Not immediately or perfectly, but noticeably and more over time. So every time he drove me to a surprise, which slowly morphed into _every fucking date_, I had all this tension and stress. I love you anyway is, in practice, almost nothing like I love you. may I say something? I can tilt my head to one side and see a boyfriend that this LW needs to dump *yesterday* because all hes doing is trying to build his ideal partner out of what he believes is some kind of nascent state that can go in any direction, like a bunch of stem cells. Its hard to figure out what to do and how to do it in a way that supports them and helps them. It was hard on both of us. What then should you do when your boyfriend stops making an effort? So I get what it feels like to see your partner unhappy and struggling. Somebody who sees the good in you that already is there and currently exists. I certainly noticed the drop in my fitness when I moved cities to a place where I could no longer walk to work every day. You know when they got worse? There can even be some of both this and the previous issue mixed together, because real people (even ones who use lots of reason) can have conflicting and complex emotions. Most girls take at least an hour, and then they are more than happy to make their man wait for them. It sounds like the bf has two other specific things he needs to work on for this to be a healthy relationship: 1. For those of us with less than optimal upbringings theres this stinger waiting for us as adults. And because he had explained all this, if I wasnt working out enough, he didnt feel heard.. (Autocorrect desperately wanted that to read emotionally swankier), And even if they *were* your child it wouldnt be cool to be emotionally spanking them (love that term. Sometimes weve done well when he asks me what I think Im doing. As the Captain has pointed out, the LW is the expert on their own life and relationship, and probably has enough You need to in their life already without getting it here. I think there are some other strategies you can follow that will improve things for you. Maybe Im coming off as too harsh, and if I am I apologize. But when theres anger, that flips the whole dynamic on its head. But it can be useful to remember that the other person may be engaged in a positive struggle to live their life, even if looks maddeningly like the opposite from outside. He assumes you want to understand things as exhaustively as he wants to, so (if you have asked about a thing, like say directions or a computer how-to) he goes ON and ON into tiny details unless you stop him. . He picked being my boyfriend and shut the hell up when we were in the gym. Maybe not just the you he wants to make you into, but also the him who is Cool and Helpful and Makes Things Better so he doesnt want to accept that what hes doing is hurting you, because thatd mean hes not Cool or Helpful or Making Things Better and hasnt been for a while. Thing is, Ive been dealing with depression, anxiety, and etc for a few years now and Im JUST NOW to the point where doing even X is a major accomplishment. I know I'm not perfect and made mistakes (not cheating or anything like that). This does not sound like how you want to be loved, or being loved for who you are, but who someone thinks you should be. Your boyfriends suggestions dont sound like the ones I would give to someone struggling with depression. For example, wed be driving home from a fun night out with friends and he would tell me all of the things I had said that *could have* been offensive to someone there. One more reason for doing so, as soon as its possible. Because housework affects everyone in the house, but what LW puts in their body, and how LW exercises? That!! God, Im such a pathetic LOSER! And cue the tears and stress eating and whatever other bad depression habits you thought youd gotten under control. LW: I feel you so much in this. It didnt! Living in constant stress, even if its a stress youve chosen yourself in the name of self-improvement, isnt good for you. I know hes great and all LW, but everything I read about him makes me twitch. They feel like Im not happy isnt enough, especially if they suffer from low self esteem. This isnt sustainable. Its more like, this day is shit, Im tired, but at least I will go do something in the gym later and that will be *different* than what I am doing right now. Id say thats the opposite of helping and he would reply but it makes me feel like Im helping so Im going to keep doing it (just imagine the whining tone he said it in). He blocks me and ignores me. Kindness. Sure, for some people hearing about the severely-depressed woman who climbed Everest without oxygen, ran a multi-billion-dollar corporation, had a movie-star husband and five kids, and still managed to look fabulous straight out of bed, all without medication or therapy of any kind, is inspiring. I have a friend who often makes himself go to social outings, because hes noticed the pattern within himself that he usually feels like bailing and not going when an event is about to happen, but if he makes himself go, he usually has a good time and is glad that he did. Ding! He really thought he was helping by being logic- and reason-focused to the point that he would ignore and/or belittle anything I said about how I wanted to be treated unless I could back it up with logic. Ok its possible I need a fix of both Buffy and chocolate chip cookies. When Dude just tells you that he knows best for you, that is patronising as fuck. Is your boyfriend offering to engage in these wonderful, healthy activities with you? My father was an abusive asshole and Mum leaving after 30 years was the best thing she could have done (other than leave earlier). Maybe you can get into the routine of attending a kickboxing or yoga class twice a week together. +1 absolutely, always. And of course if theyre dodgy they tend to do it in a way that seems sufficiently different from our terrible family situation to be very well at least they dont do X thing. 03/25/2018 20:22 Subject: Re:My boyfriend stopped having sex with me. He never mansplains, but he longsplains. When your boyfriend stops expressing his love for you, then it is time you took stock of the situation. When men care about a woman, they want to look good and impress her. Absolutely. Really, Im sure it is for someone. YES! She cares a lot. 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