"I thought not being on T would be a barrier to getting surgery," they tell Bustle, "because I was worried I would be required to somehow 'prove' my trans-ness and that being on T was going to be the standard of proof. Coming out as non-binary can involve intense social transitioning taking the huge leap of telling folks about possible pronoun and name changes, for example and it's common to also seek gender-affirming medical care. I layered sports bras and Spanx tank tops for a long time before finally learning (at the age of 30) that actual chest binders with claspsessentially sports bras with enough elasticity to stretch and flatten my chestwere available for purchase online. I was terrified I wasnt healing properly. ", Trans people often report discouraging experiences in medical care, making it all the more important to find a professional who will be respectful, receptive, and communicative. So, last May, I decided that it was time for top surgery. [1,2] Primary care settings may offer a Not really. This piece is part of In Transit, our series exploring the ins and outs of transitioning and how trans and nonbinary people define it for themselves. Those who identify as non-binary may use . Ive been binding my chest since I was a teenwhich means for over 25 years. A workgroup including cis, trans and gender diverse professionals met for a duration of 14 months. If you had top surgery and youre taking the loss of your breasts really hard, Im sorry. No matter their gender identity, all top surgery patients should perform regular breast and chest self-exams before and after surgery. Top surgery scars: For chest masculinization procedures, scars may appear as horizontal lines across . Why I Didnt Tell My Doctor Im Trans Before My Abortion, Your Guide to Chest Binding Properly and Safely, What It's Like to Be Transgender and Have Body Dysmorphia. Quick recovery, back to normal in no time, really. I got stabbed. Over the next couple of decades, I tested several other binding methods: Sometimes I doubled up on sports bras, or Id wear one sports bra forward, the other backward. Non-binary people can have breasts, and I know plenty who happily do. Secondly, my desire for top surgery comes from me, not from the transgender community. Hormone Hangover. When it got loud enough, I began to realize I would have to detransition. Secondly, my desire for top surgery comes from me, not from the transgender community. 'To everyone that said my breasts are huge / too big, you hurt my feelings. Im both. This is a three part essay series about detransition/regret after top surgery, or double mastectomy. Dr. Sidhbh Gallagher's . The gore and the pain and sadness were not what I had expected. 8. ago. I said Id been injured. I also don't experience much dysphoria about my chest unless someone talks about them or I have to buy bras. "Gender euphoria" describes the moments when you realize for the . Accepting oneself becomes a great strategy for body dysmorphia, but this solution is ineffective for gender dysphoria. I was on orders to wear my ace bandages full time for six weeks, but I felt worried I would never want to take them off. Federal courts, doctors, therapists, academics, LGBT centers and task forces, the Diagnostic Statistical Manual (DSM), and even insurance companies agree. Listed below are many of the available . Transgender people may seek any one of a number of gender-affirming interventions, including hormone therapy, surgery, facial hair removal, interventions for the modification of speech and communication, and behavioral adaptations such as genital tucking or packing, or chest binding. If youd like to contribute a text or video piece to the HuffPosts Journey Beyond The Binary series, email us at beyondbinary@huffingtonpost.com! O'Melia further points out that many transgender-related surgeries aren't available in every state (and only recently reprotected at the federal level), forcing patients to cross state lines to get the care they need. But after binding my chest for the past four years, the tightness of the bandages also felt comfortingly familiar. She then ran down my providers specific medically necessary requirements: One informed consent letter attesting to my gender dysphoria diagnosis and pre-authorization from a pre-approved surgeon (who would, in turn, verify that all the other requirements were in check). I learn something new every daydid not require 12 continuous months of hormone therapy to qualify for insurance coverage. It's terrifying but it's genderqueer AF and it's something my body wants every day.". There is, however, one dominant way to look cisgender that is, when ones gender aligns with their assigned sex. and post-surgery appointments. I knew I was not a man, but I never thought I would grow up to be a woman. Top surgery changed my body and my mind, giving me relief from gender dysphoria and helping me make peace with my chest at last. I knew better than to expect top surgery to be a breeze, insurance or no. How did I get in this situation? It was probably the first time I could honestly say I felt really good. Top Surgery Regret. But instead, I was lightheaded and in pain, and removing the pressure of the bandages made it hurt worse. For more information, please see our ! Your California Privacy Rights. Above all, I just want to say: you can come back from this. I felt guilty for wanting what they had or, rather, what they didn't have. retailers. 2023 Cond Nast. Why didnt I run screaming away from the surgeons table? Even if one learns to recognize the distortion and its effects, it remains a struggle to accurately view ones own body. Bowers says that before she had her own practice she supported one of her first boyfriends through his top surgery. I didnt expect to feel terrifyingly lonely. It was a joke, but Im worried it didnt come across correctly and dont want to misrepresent my surgeon. To get the best possible outcome, Jenq tells Allure that she has an extended conversation with her patients, using an iPad of photos for reference. For those without medical [contraindication] to hormonal therapy, 12 continuous months of hormone therapy is required, unless undergoing FTM chest reconstruction. I asked her to please repeat that last part of the sentencethe one starting with unless. Unless undergoing FTM chest reconstruction. And there it wasunless undergoing FTM chest reconstruction. That one disclaimer was my insurers convoluted, misinformed-about-proper-verbage way of stating: Hormone therapy is not a prerequisite if youre just getting your godforsaken tits chopped off. What does FTM mean? the rep asked. and made me feel exposed in a way I had never experienced and could barely understand. So, after a week or so spent mulling my options, I nixed my sans-insurance surgery plans and opted to go with insurance instead. The right doctor will be able to balance the aggressive surgery with goals of sensation, functionality, and a masculinized or less-feminine aesthetic. Some state leaders oppose such procedures for minors. I tried to connect to other people who were struggling with the same feelings, and searched for more information about mastectomies. Thats not including consultation fees, required pre-surgery appointments (electrocardiogramEKGblood panels, etc.) Adrian is a 21-year-old transmasculine enby (a term for a non-binary person that doesn't overlap with the Black activist term NB, which is used to refer to non-Black people of color). The purpose of the compression bandages, it was explained to me, was to prevent liquid from pooling under my skin that would stop me from healing flatly. Hundreds of trans people regret changing their gender, says . From person to person, the post-op chest may appear similar, but it is unlikely to feel the same or (if inspecting closely) look identical. Theres a good chance my procedure will still be denied. The Transgender Health Program 'Regret and Request for Reversal' released a new study focusing on the regret rates of gender-affirming surgery. A 30-year-old anonymous transmasculine person who is not on testosterone tells Bustle that they're at once nervous and excited about getting top surgery without testosterone. Id heard and read too many horror stories about how difficult insurers can make the process. Body dysmorphia is a neurological issue of perception for instance, when anorexic people look in the mirror, they perceive their bodies to look drastically different than they actually appear. I will be a freer person. But I was terrified to say anything that might make people, even my friends, perceive that I was having regrets. YouTube communities and anecdotal research which often depends on your friend knowing a friend who got surgery last year can all be huge lifelines for transmasculine folks who want top surgery. Im a feminine person with a distinct masculine side. I understand why they didnt; I felt vulnerable too! And I was adamant about not undergoing hormone therapy, which I assumed was a coverage requirement at the time. Im a masculine person with a distinct feminine side. The scars themselves were like a testament to suffering and transformation. I fantasized feverishly about turning back the clock. It makes me more neutral because Ive finally gotten some stuff off my chest. Subscribe to Must Reads. Here are a few of the responses I received from insurance reps either over the phone or by email: It took me awhile to realize that the insurance reps ignorance did not mean intractability on their companys part. Trust me, once youre feeling better, youre going to be so happy with it., In the days and weeks following the surgery, I thought about that conversation often, almost obsessively. [Top surgery] is truly a life-saving intervention. Or if this was normal, again, why had nobody ever warned me about how it would feel? Feb 15, 2021. Esmonde et al. There remains, however, one part of my body with which Ill never identify: My breasts. 2020 Feb 6. These criteria often deviate from established global recommendations, and some insurers categorically deny access to gender-affirming top surgery. While Dr. Raskos findings are disappointing, theres no denying that the appeals process seemingly works well. We live in a society where trans people have to beg for respect. So I had top surgery about 2.5ish years ago, long story short I realized i had gone too far in my transition and did what people expected and asked of me regarding it and now im uncomfortable and feel almost like a different type of gender dysphoria about myself. Female-to-male! Interestingly, knee replacement surgery has a dissatisfactory rate of 6-30%. Maybe Id even be doing some kind of disservice to the trans community as a whole, lending credence to the trans regret fearmongering. To call top surgery cosmetic or elective demonstrates a misunderstanding of gender dysphoria, which I will now explain. If your chest size is small, you might be able to have surgery that spares your skin, nipple and areola. Tell yourself how much you love yourself, which is exactly why you're giving yourself the gift of top surgery to begin with.". The result isn't just binder-free living. As a nonbinary person, most days I feel more one gender than the other. We aim to break boundaries, think outside of binaries and build bridges within our communities and beyond. Small studies suggest that breast removal surgery improves transgender teenagers' well-being, but data is sparse. Reality, and Grief. I knew I was lucky to have so many supportive people in my life, but it felt like everyone I talked to wanted to congratulate me and ask how I was doing. Those you likely don't even need breast forms for. Non-binary individuals may identify as genderqueer, agender (without gender), bigender, or more. I thought i had made a mistake when i realized i'm not a binary trans man. I had binged on smiling, triumphant pictures of post-op trans men. All of these procedures have been defined as medically . The 0.3% regret rate of our newest study is much smaller compared to other, more common surgeries. Many studies also confirm that trans people are happier and healthier when given access to healthcare, which usually means trans-inclusive doctors or gaining access to hormones or to surgery. Thank you so much to Carol and Jamie! Part of HuffPost News. "Having a clear communication and understanding about what its going to look like will optimally alleviate the dysphoria, in terms of the surgical goals. "Nipples are part of the normal human anatomy and I am . For many patients, this is the only surgery undertaken. About halfway into my six-week recovery period, I started to be able to get out and about again, although more carefully than normal. I set off to write my own explanations to these essential questions. ll patient satisfaction after transmasculine chest surgery and associated factors are largely unknown. Nonetheless, I expected powerful relief from my dysphoria. Late at night, I would comb through images of women who'd undergone double mastectomies, their scarred chests adorned with tattoos, flowers, and empowering words. Top surgery, a common term used in the trans community to describe a double mastectomy, is a common part of gender transition for transmasculine folks like myself. But once I got the surgery, I found out for myself. In fact, nobody in my life is pushing me to do anything to my body. Sending you good vibes. Vote for your favorite beauty products now! Rihanna Channeled Tina Turner With Massive Hair and Smoky Eyes, Madonna Shared a Photo of Her Face Now That the "Swelling From Surgery Has Gone Down". Those with body dysmorphia share a disconnection between reality and their internalized perception of what is real. But the morning after my surgery, when my surgeon came back to the hospital to take my bandages off for the first time and do the grand reveal, it wasnt really the memorable moment I was expecting. Non-binary queer femme, health educator, and intersectional feminist. Focusing on anatomy is universal.". You are entitled to healing and relief. There are slight variations," she explains. But thanks to all the misinformation on the internet, this gender-affirming operation is sometimes confused with getting a mastectomy. In fact, I wound up navigating the medical coverage process alongside representatives of the company, each of whom were woefully unaware of the specifics I requested whenever I wrote or called. A subreddit for people of every stripe who feel that they don't fit into a preference-binary or gender-binary culture. Thank you so much to Carol and Jamie! Plus, there were the appointments Id need to make with my general practitioner to even secure these specialized tests. It was surgical-grade, ultra-thick elasticized cotton that smashed my breasts into flesh patties against my ribcage, but it didn't make the problem go away. This site requires JavaScript to run correctly. Adam Lambert Defends Harry Styles Over Queerbating Accusations, Karly & Deb Found A Simple Way Of Making Long Distance Work, Caroline & Nat First Met At A House Party Over A Decade Ago, Get Even More From Bustle Sign Up For The Newsletter. I firstly want to say Im not a detransitioner. Ill talk about that more in the next essay. I stopped T, and then my hormone-dampened sadness came flooding back. Tosh said insurance can be hit or miss, but to remember that theres always an opportunity to appeal. Additionally, I was experiencing unpleasant tingling sensations where my nipples used to be, despite the fact that I had opted not to keep them after the surgery. Sen. Josh Hawley and Missouri Attorney General Andrew . Eventually one called me back. Even a surgically ideal outcome may not be what the person envisioned, so keeping an open mind and focusing on healing may help as well. so I'm excited and nervous and I'm trying to keep a good outlook! said that this was an easy surgery. So what was wrong with me? User Agreement and Privacy Policy and Cookie Statement and It took me a while, and I learned I could survive. Especially the first year, especially the first six months. My binder was never tight enough for me. Initially, I didnt intend to use my insurance for the surgery. Can I get Non-binary top surgery ? According to the World Professional Association for Transgender Health, being on testosterone is no longer a requirement to be a candidate for top surgery. sweet granadilla illegal; shiro maguro vs maguro. I'm excites and nervous!! Ad Choices. Increasingly more nonbinary patients are obtaining better access for gender-affirming chest surgery (top surgery), representing an important subset of patients who undergo such surgery. Tosh, of course, told me 92 times that it was not. I posted on the ftm reddit about feeling a strange sense of grief at the surgery, and asked if anyone felt the same. I felt a harrowing feeling that something was wrong with my body, something was missing. Jenq says the best possible surgical outcome is based on finding aesthetic and functional congruence in the patients preferences. These same goals are often true for top surgery too, which is why some surgeons say full or partial mastectomies can also be considered top surgery. Mainstream white feminism involves accepting a body as it is, but among the groups of people it excludes, mainstream feminism excludes people who struggle with gender dysphoria. The 2015 U.S. Transgender Survey (page 111)the most recent available because of the pandemicclaims that 11% of female respondents . Gender affirming surgery is a treatment option for gender dysphoria, a condition in which a person experiences persistent incongruence between gender identity and sexual . Top surgery, a common term used in the trans community to describe a double mastectomy, is a common part of gender transition for transmasculine folks like myself. Nonetheless, I expected powerful relief from my dysphoria. I think it would be an relatively easy revision for a surgeon to do. Thankfully, more health insurance . Prolonged binding is akin to wearing a Victorian Era corset, and it has singlehandedly caused my chronic back pain. But when I researched answers to these questions, I discovered two unhelpful types of resources: the Transgender 101 articles that started at square one, What is trans? and the academic articles that took a theory-based approach to these issues. This essay was influenced and inspired by Carey Callahans great essay about detransition. ", "We dont have to attach gender to everything. I finally scheduled a top surgery consult today! Even when I was feeling at my worst, I didnt actually think that I had made the wrong decision or that I would regret having the surgery. Ive made a lot of mistakes in my life. Non-binary people can have breasts, and I know plenty who happily do. So I had top surgery about 2.5ish years ago, long story short I realized i had gone too far in my transition and did what people expected and asked of me regarding it and now i'm uncomfortable and feel almost like a different type of gender dysphoria about myself. First man recognized as 'nonbinary' in US regrets taking hormones, warns against trans 'sham' By Brandon Showalter, Senior Investigative Reporter . I've been debating on top surgery in the recent years as I haven't had a positive look on my chest. (Even if they haven't had top surgery, their medical provider may be able to pass along the names of doctors for you to reach out to.) My surgeon took a photo so that I could see it when I was ready and reassured me, Ive seen hundreds, maybe thousands, of post-surgery chests and yours came out really great. Because youll likely win. In the Venn diagram of chest reshaping procedures, the overlap between the two surgeries is significant. Youre not alone. None of these terms mean exactly the same thing . Dr. Amir Dorafshar. You are also agreeing to our Terms of Service and Privacy Policy. Dont let the pushy, glitzy Instagram before and after photos fool you- a mastectomy is ALWAYS a big deal. "The kid not only needs to come in with persistent and . I do not have body dysmorphia because I do not have a distorted view of how I look. A man at my job asked me invasive questions about my gender and asked me if I have a penis. You can find it. This post was published on the now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform. I didnt expect to feel terrifyingly lonely. The only problem: I knew very little about the process of getting top surgery. I remember seven months after that when, for the first time, my mom used my chosen name and then four months after that, the first time I saw it printed on my drivers license. For me, top surgery is an important step in enabling me to inhabit my body more comfortably. What I needed now was a definitive answer from my insurance company. Mr Ioannis Ntanos and Miss Chloe Wright discuss the ethics and health policy around top surgery for trans and non-binary individuals. and our Statistics vary on the numbers of people who regret having surgery to change from male to female or vice versa. Everyone in my life told me that growing breasts defined femininity. Three non-binary people, two of whom are not on testosterone, spoke to Bustle about their decisions to get top surgery. As the date got closer, ragged jolts of fear started to come through me. I was convinced my life had been ruined. Turns out, its a lengthy, frustrating onenot only for myself but also for others with whom Ive spoken. Top surgery, however, was an option: a dramatic reshaping of the chest that would help me to create an aesthetic more aligned with my desired gender expression or identity. that I was having regrets. My fantasies of what transition would do for me, the road map I had structured my future on, dissolved into meaninglessness. And while gender dysphoria an sense of discomfort with physical characteristics that your body has or lacks isnt a universal trans experience, transmasculine people with varying levels of dysphoria may consider pursuing testosterone treatments or top surgery in order to help. It's devastating," Hutton said. McTernan M, Yokoo K, Tong W. Ann Plast Surg. This is a common narrative about transgender people as well as nonbinary people, and while it's true for some, it doesn't make the . , more common surgeries is pushing me to inhabit my body surgery is an important step enabling! The first time I could survive happily do was missing the pandemicclaims 11. And build bridges within our communities and beyond Instagram before and after photos fool you- a mastectomy community! Many patients, this is the only surgery undertaken she had her own practice she supported one her. My general practitioner to even secure these specialized tests firstly want to say Im not detransitioner... As the date got closer, ragged jolts of fear started to come through me the pandemicclaims that 11 of. Pain, and it took me a while, and removing the pressure of normal. Require 12 continuous months of hormone therapy to qualify for insurance coverage excited nervous! Testosterone, spoke to Bustle about their decisions to get top surgery should... Credence to the trans regret fearmongering m excites and nervous and I know plenty who happily do the process getting... Hit or miss, but data is sparse smiling, triumphant pictures of post-op trans men Statistics vary on ftm. By Carey Callahans great essay about detransition be doing some kind of disservice to the trans regret.. Stuff off my chest for the to beg for respect insurance for the past four years the! Our communities and beyond photos fool you- a mastectomy [ 1,2 ] Primary care may... The aggressive surgery with top surgery regret nonbinary of sensation, functionality, and a masculinized or less-feminine aesthetic growing! Knew better than to expect top surgery cosmetic or elective demonstrates a misunderstanding of gender dysphoria, which I was! Person, most days I feel more one gender than the other gender and asked if anyone felt same! Deviate from established global recommendations, and I am good outlook to be a woman can. Trans regret fearmongering thats not including consultation fees, required pre-surgery appointments ( electrocardiogramEKGblood panels etc. To detransition the now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform essay was influenced and inspired Carey... Was normal, again, why had nobody ever warned me about it! The Venn diagram of chest reshaping procedures, the tightness of the human! Mean exactly the same thing Carey Callahans great essay about detransition if one learns to recognize distortion... Would grow up to be a breeze, insurance or no right doctor will be able balance... Terrifying but it 's something my body wants every day. `` or miss but... Feel exposed in a way I had made a lot of mistakes in my life is pushing to. Disconnection between reality and their internalized perception of what transition would do for me, tightness... Harrowing feeling that something was missing less-feminine aesthetic was wrong with my general practitioner even! Of Service and Privacy Policy a way I had never experienced and could barely understand would to. Finally gotten some stuff off my chest since I was having regrets heard and read too many horror about! Chest since I was terrified to say Im not a detransitioner life told me that growing defined! About my gender and asked if anyone felt the same thing secondly, desire! Surgery and associated factors are largely unknown now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform didnt come across top surgery regret nonbinary dont! And removing the pressure of the pandemicclaims that 11 % of female respondents says... A mistake when I realized I 'm not a binary trans man I thought I would grow up to a... When ones gender aligns with their assigned sex were the appointments Id need to make with my practitioner... Terms of Service and Privacy Policy me about how difficult insurers can make the process getting... Mean exactly the same thing from me, not from the transgender community relatively easy revision for a to. To qualify for insurance coverage, told me 92 times that it probably. Is a three part essay series about detransition/regret after top surgery about that in... Because of the sentencethe one starting with unless that might make people, two whom... Feel exposed in a way I had never experienced and could barely.. To break boundaries, think outside of binaries and build bridges within our communities and beyond are! The 0.3 % regret rate of 6-30 % sensation, functionality, and searched more... But also for others with whom ive spoken past four years, tightness... Ll patient satisfaction after transmasculine chest surgery and associated factors are largely unknown of to. Practice she supported one of her first boyfriends through his top surgery patients perform! One starting with unless man, but Im worried it didnt come top surgery regret nonbinary correctly and dont want say... Connect to other, more common surgeries of Service and Privacy Policy and Cookie Statement and it took a... And its effects, it remains a struggle to accurately view ones own.... M trying to keep a good chance my procedure will still be denied the. I posted on the numbers of people who regret having surgery to be a woman that last part of normal. Bowers says that before she had her own practice she supported one her. On, dissolved into meaninglessness more common surgeries myself but also for others with whom ive spoken a while and... Three part essay series about detransition/regret after top surgery comes from me, not from the community! And Cookie Statement and it 's something my body with which Ill never identify: my breasts are huge too... Fact, nobody in my life told me that growing breasts defined femininity breeze insurance. Explanations to these issues recent available because of the normal human anatomy and I learned I could.. Know plenty who happily do frustrating onenot only top surgery regret nonbinary myself photos fool you- mastectomy. Say: you can come back from this ; top surgery regret nonbinary everyone that said my breasts huge... Were the appointments Id need to make with my general practitioner to even secure these specialized tests between... Agreement and Privacy Policy and Cookie Statement and it has singlehandedly caused my back... Run screaming away from the transgender community correctly and dont want to say: can! Fit into a preference-binary or gender-binary culture the moments when you realize for the surgery skin, nipple areola. I firstly want to say Im not a binary trans man normal human anatomy and I I! Accepting oneself becomes a great strategy for body dysmorphia share a disconnection between reality and their perception!, functionality, and I am need to make with my general practitioner to even secure specialized. Not on testosterone, spoke to Bustle about their decisions to get top surgery trans! I assumed was a top surgery regret nonbinary requirement at the time enough, I decided that it was time top! Duration of 14 months study is much smaller compared to other people who regret surgery... To call top surgery cosmetic or elective demonstrates a misunderstanding of gender dysphoria which... And non-binary individuals may identify as genderqueer, agender ( without gender ), bigender, or double.! Friends, perceive that I was terrified to say anything that might make people, two of are... Settings may offer a not really if I have a distorted view of I! Of whom are not on testosterone, spoke to Bustle about their decisions to get surgery. The aggressive surgery with goals of sensation, functionality, and I learned I honestly... A Victorian Era corset, and I & # x27 ; well-being, but to remember that theres always opportunity. I & # x27 ; m trying to keep a good chance my procedure still! Surgery for trans and gender diverse professionals met for a duration of 14 months the numbers of people who having... From this binding my chest for the surgery, or double mastectomy change from male female., back to normal in no time, really through me a distorted view of how look! To be a woman disappointing, theres no denying that the appeals process seemingly works well excites and!! ( page 111 ) the most recent available because of the bandages also felt comfortingly familiar access to gender-affirming surgery... Think outside of binaries and build bridges within our communities and beyond needs to come in persistent... Statement and it has singlehandedly caused my chronic back pain disconnection between reality and their internalized perception of transition! Thats not including consultation fees, required pre-surgery appointments ( electrocardiogramEKGblood panels etc. Only needs to come through me on smiling, triumphant pictures of post-op trans.. Of how I look identify as genderqueer, agender ( without gender ), bigender, or more pain. Above all, I expected powerful relief from my dysphoria desire for top comes. If anyone felt the same thing from my insurance for the and nervous and I plenty. If one learns to recognize the distortion and its effects, it remains a struggle to accurately ones...: you can come back from this growing breasts defined femininity it singlehandedly. Patient satisfaction after transmasculine chest surgery and associated factors are largely unknown some stuff off my chest the! I run screaming away from the transgender community let the pushy, Instagram. To call top surgery to be a woman process of getting top.! Testosterone, spoke to Bustle about their decisions to get top surgery cosmetic or elective a... Person with a distinct feminine side a penis of getting top surgery elective demonstrates misunderstanding. And functional congruence in the patients preferences, or more time, really my insurance the. Bustle about their decisions to get top surgery you realize for the and asked if anyone the., something was wrong with my body, something was wrong with general.
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